Rest In Peace

Today I found out that someone I care for deeply has passed on. Some moments I don't know how to feel, and other moments I know exactly how I feel. Most of all, lost.

Let me explain first who this person is. Her name was Mary, but I always called her by MayMay. She was my best friend in middle school and through a part of high school. We met in 7th grade technology class and bonded over our mutual weirdness of dress, taste, and not fitting into groups. Unlike many other middle school kids, MayMay was not shallow, and she actually stayed close to people she cared about instead of doing whatever everyone else was. When another friend of ours was outcasted by the group (Desiree can attest to how often this happened, people are assholes) MayMay stayed beside her, and I noticed how she could care less that others were mean and vindictive and sometimes at the very least too afraid to be friends with people they cared about if others weren't doing it, she was not like that. I'm not exaggerating because she's gone. She was genuine that way.

MayMay and I got really close when we were in eighth grade. She and I had a crush on the same kid, Ian, and instead of the usual fight over someone, we thought it was amusing and talked about it. She came to sit with me at the 8th grade dinner dance. She was the ONLY person who didn't abandon me and actually paid attention to and danced with me that night. She was sad because she was fighting with a close friend, and I was sad because all of my friends sucked (with the exception of a few, but to a minimal extent, not to a MayMay extent of closeness). That night, we stayed together because we were both shy, her a bit more than me, and knowingly bad at dancing. I convinced her to dance with me, with the promise I wouldn't leave her alone, and that it would be fun somehow. Amid a group of teenagers who wanted to form a grind line to the usual, we were the ones jumping together, hand in hand, when a My Chemical Romance song finally played (her favorite band at the time).

Our friendship progressed quickly from there. All summer, she was the one who was there for me when I realized nobody else from school cared anymore. We went to the mall together. We had our first sleepover, and it was two nights long, and perfect. Have you ever had a best friend who you felt you connected with almost immediately and all of a sudden could stay up all night talking without awkwardness, could be yourself with them, could spend two nights at their house just the two of you, could obnoxiously send each other messages on the computer while in the same room, could take crazy photos together, could just trust them? I have. MayMay was one of those people, the kind of person where you just meet them and it's not very long at all before you know they'll be your best friend soon.

MayMay confided a secret to me when we had a sleepover. She was right in knowing that I, of all people, would understand. Although she had a boyfriend at the time, she was in love with her best friend (best friend besides me). She asked me what she should do, knowing that it was possible her friend also had feelings for her, but feeling the fear of telling her family and of possibly losing a friend. I told her to be herself, and that Alex would understand if she was really a best friend. I told her how hard it was to love someone, knowing they might or might not feel the same way, but I also told her that it didn't ruin the friendship when it happened to Kristen and I. I was there for her when she told her, they began dating in secret, and she and her boyfriend broke up. Then, the three of us would hang out at times, although it was often still MayMay and I as best friends. I became their biggest cheerleader, despite the fact that I started to realize I had feelings for MayMay myself. The three of us would spend sleepovers at MayMay's house and I would smile sadly as they cuddled, happy for my best friend but still sad. I didn't want to get in the way of their happiness, so I bit my tongue and listened to MayMay when it was difficult. And it got difficult. Her mother refused to let the two see one another when she found out around their six-month anniversary. I was there while the two talked on the phone and instant messaged for brief interludes while her mom was out. I would shout "HI ALEX!" into the phone and walk away, watching the door diligently, trying not to listen in to their sad I-love-yous. That was my first encounter with homophobia and family not understanding, and I was a freshman in high school. From then on, I told myself that I would live to see the day when it becomes legal for gay couples to marry and when people could be free to love who they love as long as no one is harmed.

Sometime after that, the two broke up. I'll never know if it was stress that MayMay was under, or if they naturally drifted apart. It's something I've always wanted to ask, because at the time, I was just trying to be there for MayMay in any way I could. We stayed friends for months, but we started drifting apart by the end of our freshman year of high school. It wasn't all one person's fault, but I do fault myself for not trying harder. We got into a fight about the fact that MayMay thought I wasn't treating her like a real best friend, and made up, but never really hung out after that. Not long after, she moved to a different state far away. MayMay claimed she was straight, and so did I. I promised myself I'd never let myself have feelings for my best friend again. I was sick of losing people I could actually talk to.

It wasn't until years after she moved that we got back into contact via the magic of Facebook. Usually I complain about how much Facebook annoys me, but I also think it has merits, and people who otherwise might not realize that both of their cell phone numbers are the same would not be able to get back in touch. MayMay and I talked, and we were both sorry that we ever stopped talking. I kept up on what was going on with her, and she with me. By the time we got back in contact, we were both happy with people we realized were our soul mates. It made me happy, this time for real, to see pictures of her with someone she loved, because I knew that what we had between us was always best friendship and just that, and we were both happy. Over the years, after MayMay moved, before and after we got in contact again, I did think about her the way you think about anyone you cared about so much. There were times I regretted what happened between us and wished we were close when she moved so we could talk in some way, at least. In December of 2009 I wrote a piece called "I Can't Write This Without You" which is on DA and speaks about MayMay in the first section. I thought about her all throughout high school while I was trying to determine what makes a best friend, and how to forgive and be there for others no matter what as MayMay always was for me and others.

It's a huge, tiny world, and I'm lucky to have had people I care about as much as this in my life. In my life, I've had six other friends beside MayMay that I can truly say are or were my best friend, three of whom actually met MayMay at one point or another. One ex close friend's sister was extremely close friends with Mary, still currently when she passed, and one of my old best friends is now good friends with Alex. To this day I'm still struggling with understanding that people come into our life for a reason and being able to figure out what that reason is, how much we should forgive and let go of, how much people can go through together before they can't be friends anymore. Many of the people I care about don't understand why this is so hard for me, but when you watch someone you love die, you lose that sense that everything is endless and you realize that you have a very short amount of time with people and to be alive in general. You stop wanting to hold onto bad feelings toward others and you just want everyone to forgive each other and be in each others' lives. MayMay wasn't the first person I was close to that I lost, and it figures that the two people I was closest to who I've now lost are also sweet, kind, forgiving people who didn't deserve to die (although I'm of the opinion that VERY few people do deserve to). It's clear to me that MayMay forgave me for the fight we had as friends, and the fact that we drifted apart. I'm lucky to have told her I was sorry before she passed, but I still never did tell her I once had feelings for her, because I felt it wasn't important. If I could change things, I would have stayed close to her throughout our fight and her move and I wouldn't have let go. Now I'm left here trying to make sense of what happened, and thinking of the things my mom would say about how we learn something when someone we love passes, and how we should forgive. I always have to wonder if she was around what she would say, what her advice would be to me, considering through all of the horrible, and I mean terrible, fights Kristen and I had as kids, she was the one who told me to stay her friend, even though my grandparents told me to drop her because she wasn't a true friend. My dad, I know, is the same way, and having lost a lot of people extremely close to him, he knows exactly how I feel about MayMay's death. Sometimes I think about my parents, and how in the end, my mom made the choice not to take him back into her life and forgive him, and I wonder what it feels like to know that you love someone, but you lost them, and now they really aren't coming back. I wonder if that will happen to me. I wonder what it's like when two people love each other so much, but keep hurting one another, and who is to decided whether that hurt is worth it anymore. I guess the main thing to think about is, if that person died, how would you feel?

All in all, I'm trying not to have any regrets about what happened between MayMay and I, and I know that we left things off in good terms, talking sometimes, fighting a vicious Facebook poke war, and that she forgave me. It's just hard at times like this not to think of things we would have done differently, time we would have spent if we could, and things we wanted to say. I try to live my life in the knowledge that any of us can leave at any moment, and knowing that has made me a stronger and more honest person. But I'm still sad, and I still wish that someone as sweet, genuine, and loving as MayMay didn't have to leave this world. And I wish, as always, that I could call up the one person I can't, as my dad would say, we always do think of the loved ones we've lost already when another passes. I'm just glad I can go home this weekend and talk to him about the best friend he knew and loved as well.

Rest in Peace MayMay.


EDIT Thirty Letters "To Someone For a Second Chance" was written for her as well.