Occasionally, I worry and freak out, too

I try not to worry on a daily basis. In fact, I think I do well when it comes to being positive and confident. There are, however, a few instances in which this wavers, and that is where the problem will possibly always lay.

I didn't realize I would be so damn nervous about my college orientation until--well, about 48 hours before it arrives (I'm not good at math; it starts Wednesday morning and I have to wake up at like 4-5 am to drive there -_- sucks). I didn't realize I would feel the same exact way I did about Bristol Aggie four years ago, only as an older, happier, more confident person with less confusion (ONLY SLIGHTLY). Despite the fact that I'm not afraid of dying, rollercoasters, heights, deep water, the dark, traveling alone, meeting new people, sleeping in strange places, ladders, talking to boys/girls, telling people I'm gay, getting into fights, driving, rollerblading, or snakes, I am worried as hell.

There are a few things I'm afraid of, and oh, they're totally stupid. It's 48 hours away, and this is what I keep thinking:

- What am I going to wear? What if I wear something too ugly? But what if I dress up a little too much and it looks weird? What if I follow "high school dress code allowed" and everyone else is in short shorts? What if I wear a tank top and everyone else wears oxford shirts?
- What am I going to wear for pajamas WITH A STRANGER?
- What is a stranger going to say about the fact that I sleep with a Mickey Mouse blanket, boat pillow, and stuffed Pikachu?
- What if someone has sex in my room? Awkward...
- What if I get sick?
- What if I say something weird and then I can't think of anything to say to fix it?
- What if I get stuck with a snooty, bitchy, two-faced, or bigoted roommate and get into a fight at orientation? I'll be THAT GIRL who beat someone up in her room at 2 am!
- What if there's a line for the shower...even though I wake up at 5 to get ready for 8?
- What if the bed is hard?
- What if Seth's roommate is hot...?
- What if they ask awkwardly intimate questions at orientation and I can't answer them?
- WHAT AM I GOING TO WEAR!!!!!!!

You see, on the inside, I care far more about what strangers think of me than one would expect. No, cancel that statement. If the strangers are some day going to matter. Future employers, future classmates, future friends, future teachers, future family, anyone who may some day matter. People I already know, who cares, think what you want. People on the streets or whatever, same. But for some damn reason I cannot ever get past I have an aneurism when I know, going in, that the people looking at me may matter some day. This is the bad part, though. Against my own morals, under these particular conditions, I one hundred percent submit to peer pressure. This is a given fact. I will say ANYTHING to be "just like everyone else." God, it's so annoying, because in my head I'm like, "Oh my God, you hate that show, just shut up," or "Don't say that's weird, that's your favorite!" Nobody remembers September-December of freshman year, or any real details, but I remember being that way then too. It takes some figuring out time before I stop the charades. I'm telling you...if you watch me in a room filled with potential future friends/etc, you will be sorely disappointed in my lack of self. I know I am.

The thing is, despite my every attempt to change this, I can't. I try to go into group situations, brought along by friends or the like, and just be myself. And I am, to a point. I never completely lose sight. It's more that the side of me which is open to being manipulated and pressured is just more....accessible at those times. It doesn't help, either, that out of my two parents, one was a complete homebody who loved to just sit around the house or just outside relaxing with a book or such, and the other was a hardcore ridiculous partier who wanted to be out until they were exhausted. I don't know what to do with my SELF! I try to be a mix, but I always find myself exasperated when my feelings don't match up with the plan I had set.

The real problem may be that some hidden part of me feels as though it would rather be fake than be labeled/hurt/teased. I don't want to think about what made me this way, but I have a good idea. People don't know that on very rare, secret occasions, I sometimes do wonder what's wrong with me that I have to be so picky about, well, a lot. I know I try to go with the flow--and it almost always works. I'll sleep anywhere, meet new people, try new foods/movies/etc/etc. But when it truly, honestly comes down to it, I only feel actually close and trusting of very specific people, and I only really LOVE certain specific books/foods/movies/TV shows/locations/on-and-on. The worst part being, I'm not always even confident in the things I feel this way about. I'll tell people I love sushi, the beach, and I have a girlfriend in a heartbeat. I'll tell them I was never a teen who hated their parents, and who my best friends are. Half the time, though, I'm more ashamed than I deem is necessary about half of what I do, think, feel, and enjoy. I know it shouldn't be that way, and it's not until these situations that I consciously remember to feel that embarrassment. I see everyone as "normal, be careful" until I see them as "Hey, I love this person."

It can't help that I'm about to be an adult who doesn't know what they want in life...who they want to be...where they want to live...what they feel comfortable with...how they feel about themself at all...

In the end, I even know that nobody can give me advice. Nobody can tell me not to be negative, nobody can tell me that I'll be loved and make friends. Nobody can take away what I remember about myself--and for some reason, all that comes to mind is being alone at my lunch table, reading. In the end, I don't want to hear that some day I'll be confident, and that when I'm grown with kids it won't matter what I wore to orientation. I just want to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way, and that maybe in forty eight hours, I won't be scared shitless alone.