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Soft Damon, Warm Damon, Little Ball of Damon by AidensBiggestFan Soft Damon, Warm Damon, Little Ball of Damon :iconaidensbiggestfan:AidensBiggestFan 20 4
I'm sorry I'm not fifty
I’m sorry I’m not fifty
I apologize for not
Buckling my seatbelt in the driver’s seat
As we set forth on a road trip with three small children
And force everyone to listen to recordings of T.S. Eliot.
I’m sorry that I’m not
Settled in my career and I can’t wake up
In the morning, knowing who I am
And facing the dissenters with a clear head.
My adolescent development psychology professor told me
That adults are at their happiest during middle age,
And I thought, great, they always said
These four years will be the best four.
So I’ve been counting my life in series’ of four years;
I have at least five series left before I can truly live.
I regret that I will,
For at least five more series, contemplate
Whether or not I can live through
Fathers telling me I can’t make it as a journalist,
Physicians recommending how I treat my body,
Strangers finding fault in my choice of words.
I’m remorseful as I turn the corner;
California is ju
:iconaidensbiggestfan:AidensBiggestFan 1 0
Words for Mary
Words for Mary
It’s every word you would have spoken
That they miss, and so much more than
They would have ever known to miss
In the normal absences between friends.
It’s every memory that only one of us can now recount,
And how imperfect our twisted retelling will become
By missing you, and by the lack of your words
Filling in your thoughts, your feelings; what you know.
It’s exactly that space between us that I never
Knew would grow into something so substantial.
That space is growing
Into a breathing thing that aches for you
There is enough space for you in my words;
And in my stories, you will live,
Missing what is yours alone
And living within the words that I remember you by.
You will dance quietly through the pages,
Sit beside me engaged in a quiet discourse,
Traipse quietly across the landscape of our history,
And quietly whisper, I miss you.
I miss you too, in every word that I would have spoken
To fill in my twisted retelling of the imperfect stories
That de
:iconaidensbiggestfan:AidensBiggestFan 1 0
Each confirms a prison
Each confirms a prison
In the car, they tell me that nobody can ruin what I love
And we drive away; from what, is unimportant, personal.
Everything but the enclosed is pulled away from us;
We’re sitting in the finite space between two people on the phone.
My mother told me, Oy with the poodles already,
Let your words light up the entire street.
But you burned my library to the ground, ripped the pages;
Atrocities in my cities, drowning in curdled ink,
Swimming through sick lullabies, choking on your alibis.
You’re the blood in my veins, IV dripping,
Violence creeping in, slick, sleek, where nobody can see it;
Clouding me until I can’t see.
We used to make stories between us about anyone that passed;
Now my prison has been broken in, and letters crush my bones.
You infect my dreams, my words, the songs I listen to,
Igniting everything I love with an undercurrent.
What a treacherous thing to believe that a person is more than a person.
It’s cold as a tomb, and it&
:iconaidensbiggestfan:AidensBiggestFan 1 0
Crumpling my words
Crumpling my words
In the nights I miss you more than the days.
In the edges of my sleep
Your words shed the truth as it frays
But you’re free.
As I tumble into sleep,
My words, I cannot keep;
They fold and into closets sprawl
Where they cannot fail and cannot fall.
You were gone when the sun lit up the brown of your eyes
I shouldn’t
It faltered without any goodbyes.
What I had was lost.
We sat across from each other in a cramped kitchen, stories pouring.
Our insides opened; we got out flashlights and went exploring.
And she stole from me what I left with you
I always know. I never knew.
I understand why they let themselves drown
And hide and fade inside the falsity as they sip;
I want to hide too.
I cannot spill out of me even one noun.
In the nights I miss you more
With darkness my heart is open; I almost pour.
But my words are crumpled where the bruises blacken
And you’re free.
:iconaidensbiggestfan:AidensBiggestFan 2 0
I Just Needed a New One by AidensBiggestFan I Just Needed a New One :iconaidensbiggestfan:AidensBiggestFan 0 0
I am not the girl with her fists clenched tight, running on the treadmill beside me in the gym class, her forehead sticky with sweat and regret and wishes.
They think they know who I am. Nobody knows who anyone else is. You can tell yourself what you would do in someone else's situation, but you didn't grow up with their life, their personality, and their experiences. We're always on the outside looking in, hoping for some insight, and grasping onto every piece we can get, every strand of proof that other people are as confused and vulnerable as we are.
When I first saw her stride across the gym floor of our high school in striped athletic shorts and a maroon tank top, I smiled an envious smile, a smile that said I-love-your-confidence-but-I-want-to-break-it-and-take-it-from-you-and-also-be-your-friend. It said, I wish I had the ability to laugh and join in as easily as you did when you hit the volleyball flying toward you into the air, and to roll your eyes casually at yourself whe
:iconaidensbiggestfan:AidensBiggestFan 2 0
Madness by AidensBiggestFan Madness :iconaidensbiggestfan:AidensBiggestFan 1 2 Rain, Rain, Go Away by AidensBiggestFan Rain, Rain, Go Away :iconaidensbiggestfan:AidensBiggestFan 4 0 Colors of Love by AidensBiggestFan Colors of Love :iconaidensbiggestfan:AidensBiggestFan 35 3 Frame of Mind by AidensBiggestFan Frame of Mind :iconaidensbiggestfan:AidensBiggestFan 7 4 Elated by AidensBiggestFan Elated :iconaidensbiggestfan:AidensBiggestFan 2 1 Painted Rain by AidensBiggestFan Painted Rain :iconaidensbiggestfan:AidensBiggestFan 5 2 The Window Project cover 2 by AidensBiggestFan The Window Project cover 2 :iconaidensbiggestfan:AidensBiggestFan 0 0 The Window Project cover 1 by AidensBiggestFan The Window Project cover 1 :iconaidensbiggestfan:AidensBiggestFan 1 1 Sexy Nat by AidensBiggestFan Sexy Nat :iconaidensbiggestfan:AidensBiggestFan 4 0
Read my novel, The Four Letter Word, but only read the FLW Revis. version!


Octopus Hairpiece by deeed Octopus Hairpiece :icondeeed:deeed 4,661 248 Tiny Top Hat: Secret Garden by TinyTopHats Tiny Top Hat: Secret Garden :icontinytophats:TinyTopHats 1,891 255 Tiny Top Hat: Steam Punk Mechanic by TinyTopHats Tiny Top Hat: Steam Punk Mechanic :icontinytophats:TinyTopHats 2,357 326 Time Turner by flukephotography Time Turner :iconflukephotography:flukephotography 31 2 Turn, Turn, Turn... by riumplus Turn, Turn, Turn... :iconriumplus:riumplus 19 11 Time Turner by nikon373 Time Turner :iconnikon373:nikon373 60 7 Merry christmas fruits basket by momijigirl Merry christmas fruits basket :iconmomijigirl:momijigirl 326 41 Sleepy boys by teenieboecky Sleepy boys :iconteenieboecky:teenieboecky 19 17 Ducks are evil by Linaia Ducks are evil :iconlinaia:Linaia 188 32 Picture This. by diinytt Picture This. :icondiinytt:diinytt 22 15 Nina Dobrev and Ian Somerhalder by Mim78 Nina Dobrev and Ian Somerhalder :iconmim78:Mim78 160 14 Text Brushes - 1104 by Missesglass Text Brushes - 1104 :iconmissesglass:Missesglass 908 72 2 retro textures paper by spectacularstyle 2 retro textures paper :iconspectacularstyle:spectacularstyle 247 13 Dashed Line Brushes by Aless1984 Dashed Line Brushes :iconaless1984:Aless1984 2,635 242 Sebastian  - Kuroshitsuji - by aruarian-dancer Sebastian - Kuroshitsuji - :iconaruarian-dancer:aruarian-dancer 2,290 660 +-+Elijah Mikaelson+-+ by ShadowDark1 +-+Elijah Mikaelson+-+ :iconshadowdark1:ShadowDark1 180 76



United States
Want to know more than you could ever need to know? Then click:… +&…

Current Residence: Massachusetts, United States
Favorite Quote: "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."
Favorite Shows: Gilmore Girls, Dexter, The Vampire Diaries, Pretty Little Liars, Shameless (US), Castle, Degrassi, South of Nowhere
Favorite Books: Harry Potter series, The Infernal Devices, The Mortal Instruments, The Book Thief, Looking for Alaska, The Fault in Our Stars
  • Listening to: Music
  • Reading: The Miseducation of Cameron Post
  • Watching: Pretty Little Liars :)
  • Eating: Mashed Potatoes
  • Drinking: Pepsi
Since I'm finally writing again, I'm proud to say that this book is what The Four Letter Word would have been like if Nat had acted out more homicidally than suicidally. Hannah Ryan resembles Nat in almost no way in lifestyle, because she and her mom are extremely close and call one another every day once Hannah goes away for her freshman year of college. But they share something in personality that people always seem to miss about my characters: they're both artistic and reasonable/logical at the same time. Everyone who loves Nat does seem to forget that he excels at mathematics as much as he does writing; but I assure you, it won't be missed with Hannah, who hasn't written anything creatively in two years, and is on the pre-med track in school with a Microbiology major and who constantly reminds herself of these two distinct sides.

Because I can't really ever stray from crime too far, Hannah doesn't tag. She doesn't help steal or bully people. She plots and executes (? or does she, I can't give it away) the murder of eight individuals her first year at college. What I like about this book is that while both characters are reeling from events that occurred before the book begins, Nat's abuse is hidden until halfway through the book, when it becomes more apparent what he doesn't want to remember. Hannah deals with her abuse head-on (you could say viciously) and from the first chapter it's obvious (and just expands on it later). Hannah deals with what it means to move away from a loving family and some loving friends, and to lose people during abuse and during the natural process of transitioning to college. Like Nat, Hannah has dealt with, for years, what it means to blame abuse on yourself, and now she's in the process of realizing it isn't her fault.

Even though it explores the darker side of humanity, I expect there to be a lot of laughs and love here too. As happens during a freshman year, Hannah loses friends and gains new ones, namely Kieran, who she meets in support group and decides to murder people with. I have a sort of love affair with partners in crime, obviously, it's kind of my thing. As Kieran is a sophomore already, he introduces Hannah to his "group;" partially as a cover, so that she doesn't come across as a loner, doesn't-hang-posters stereotype to be singled out for the murders, and partially because he really does care about his friends, who don't know everything about him, and he thinks she will too. They're silly and loving, in a way reminiscent of Nat's friends, but there's a new layer here to the abuse story that I didn't work with so much with Nat. It's about learning to hate, and to blame, but to move on, and about how much Hannah and Kieran are unable to separate things that remind them of their abuser(s), people with whom they both had close relationships. And I think the biggest, and best question, really is whether or not it is good to hate, and whether anyone "deserves" to die.

I think my favorite part of these kinds of books are how there is no answer. It interests me how often, in "real life," people will say contradictory things depending. When it's domestic abuse between spouses or unmarried significant others especially, people tell the person to erase this abuser from their life, as well as when it is rape committed by someone the person knows. But when it is abuse, sexual or otherwise, from a family member, people are still undoubtedly going to say those things, but it is much easier to come across the message that you should just forgive family and try to keep them in your life. It really is an interesting message, and one that I think about from time to time. The people who hurt us most are almost always those who we care about most--those people have the most power to, after all. It reminds me of how John Green says "What a treacherous thing to believe a person is more than a person," in Paper Towns, which is something that is echoed in Looking for Alaska too (or should I say echoed in Paper Towns because Alaska came first?) and it's so true. We make people out to be often one thing or another, whether it's with complete love or complete hate, and it is often more complicated than that, and each person is a person. I tried to talk about this in The Four Letter Word too; Nat's abuser is a person, too, and all the people surrounding the situation who made the abuse possible and made it worse are people too. I'm really interested to see how Hannah and Kieran will deal with this, as they grow and develop personalities of their own.

Journal History




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TinyTopHats Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2014
Thanks so much for watching our hats! :iconlalalaplz:
diinytt Featured By Owner May 30, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Hello! Thanks so much for the fav :hug:

Also I forgot how much I love The FLW. I think I just might start reading it again, from the beginning (because I definitely forgot like half of what happens). Probably in a few days because I just got back from a trip to Florida to see my family, and I took a freaking bus -____-. Two days of pure hell. I need to rest for a couple of days lol.
AidensBiggestFan Featured By Owner May 31, 2013
awww yay. I miss you lots. I wish I was on here more you have any other sites or social media you use? :) I check this like every day but I also don't post as much, even though I still write and read.
diinytt Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I'm on facebook,[link] but I don't get on much.:/ But you can add me if you want to (:
diinytt Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Happy Birthday! ^^ :cake:
A-Scandal-in-Scarlet Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2012  Student Writer
Hello (*insert-real-name-here-because-I-know-you're-smart-about-online-privacy-unlike-me*), just wanted to let you know you've been tagged --> [link] :3
lizzys-photos Featured By Owner May 27, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you for the :+fav:! :)
ssimulacrum Featured By Owner May 25, 2012
thanks for the watch :heart: :heart:
brio7 Featured By Owner May 2, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks for the fav
Kib0no-SoRa Featured By Owner May 1, 2012
Welcome to :iconsoulxmakaobsession: We're more than happy to have you!!:iconaawplz::iconhyperplz:
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